catara_rappelz

So Happy Halloween Everyone!

Here's a run down of my interesting holiday...

slept until 1pm - thanks to staying up til 5am watching the ghost adventurers the night before.

went to go buy candy and costume stuffs.

Trick or treating was fun. my kid was a banana and i was a witch. We got tons of candy - it was fairly amazing. whole backpack full :-O

So we came home and are absolutely exhausted. Watched a movie and now have a stomach ache from all the candy X-|

I went outside later and found the neighbors are having a party and there was a couple making out of the balcony (about 20 feet from me) in plain sight. Seriously, they were moaning and everything. I was like... OMG! Go away you horny little kids! I'm not even sure they knew I was outside so I loudly walked back inside and slammed the door - laughing to myself the whole way :-) I looked back out the window and heard the girl say "do you think she saw us?" ROFL!!!

It was a good night hahaha

Now im off to bed to recover for the baby shower and job "training" tomorrow. Seriously... who makes you show up on a sunday to prep you for work the next day.

I've now had the same damn cold for 3.5 weeks now. God I love fall/winter! o.0

Theres not a whole lot to post about.

I have a new job. Yay!
My kid is gonna be a banana for halloween. yay!
I killed the huge ass spider that was in the bathroom. Yay!

uhhhh... and now im out of things to say. lol.

Would it be completely weird if i taught my daughter to sing the peanut butter jelly song for when shes wearing the banana costume? Thats what kids are for, right? Our own personal amusement?

Wow. I just spent an hour filling our a survey thing on here. It had over 100 questions and the lj cut wasnt working. something happened and it changed websites while trying to get it to work. I lost everything I typed. seriously, this is the kind of night I'm having. My mouse is either breaking or my pc is freaking out. Every time I click on something it acts like i clicked about 20 times. This is the second time today that my LJ post got messed up and lost.

I'm going to go scream into my pillow. Yes. Its one of those moments.


but before I go I'd like to list my favorite 10 songs on my itunes list:

1. Anyone Else but you - from the soundtrack to Juno
2. I Dont Care - Apocolyptica
3. Mr Rock and Roll - Amy Macdonald
4. Wide Open Spaces - Dixie Chicks
5. Sad Girl - Moxy Fruvous
6. Bleed it Out - Linkin Park
7. Everybody's Got a Story - Amanda Marshall
8. Sugar, Sugar - The Archies
9. How Soon is Now? - The Smiths
10. Drive - Incubus

what happened to my post :-O

Interesting. I wrote out a nice post about the new Harry Potter Park they are putting in Disney World and went to look it over after I posted it, and it was empty. WTH live journal?! Where are my words?! Give them back!

I dont really remember what I said, and I cant even say the same funny sarcastic witty things cause i forget how i said them. The mood is ruined. Thanks a lot live journal... ass hats.


Anyway, they recreated Hogwart's Castle, the joke shop, the three broomsticks tavern, olivander's wand shop, the book store, the candy store and other places. Everything will sell authentic stuff like sneakoscopes, butterbeer, chocolate frogs, bertie botts beans, quidditch equipment - minus the flying broomsticks and other cool stuff.

And then i realize how much a geek I am and shake my head.

So I havent posted in a few days.  Sorry for the lack of attention LJ viewers.  I am back and totally in style!

First off I'd like to update everyone on a few things.  I'm still at home, I still am unemployed but finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have a job starting in about 2 weeks.

Next problem... I need a car for this job.  Husband wants me to start a buisness so i can get a car that way - no idea how that even works.  I dont think its quite that easy.  If anyone knows anything about self-employment and such, please let me know.

Good thing is that I will be working from home, however I'm responsible for getting kids to and from preschool. 

I found a really funny website today.  I'm sure if you havent seen it already, you will love it.  <a href="http://www.peopleofwalmart.com">People of Walmart</a>

My kid is sick today and was up most of the night, so in turn, so was I.  She did manage to go to school (she only goes for 3 hours a day), but now wants to go to Tae Kwon Do.  :-/

I also found a hilarious website while searching for jobs.  They showcase cakes that ended up a complete fail or were just really funny.   Here's a few of my favorites...

    Yes, this is a cake in the shape of the entire  workings of the female reproductive system.


  Nothing like incomprehensible cakes!!  I am a self-declared dork  :-)



This one is the BEST!     Funniest cake ever!



And then of course, when you have a porn career you can forget this popular cake...



Cause nothing is funnier than the spread of herpes.    o.0



And NO, i didnt hide the pics under a cut.  I'm not in the mood !

I'm going to attempt to write this post despite a seriously blinding headache that is forming. 

So day 2 of unemployment went about the same as the first. 

Took daughter to Tae Kwon Do - which the check may bounce now.   :-O

Came home and fought with husband, decided to leave and be separated for a while as of next weekend.  I don t know if its a mistake or not but right now there is no love, but currently a lot of resentment and anger.  Current money issues just made everything unbearable.  I'm not one for breaking up a family but I've sat back and watched it all unfold for too long.  We need to separate and then decide if what we had is worth fixing.  Plus living apart will be better on money for both of us.  So if we do decide to get back together, we will be better off and not just totally fucked beyond words.  Right now, we don't have enough for food.  My unemployment came at possibly the worst time ever.

I cleaned my room - which is in the basement.  It is my own private little sanctuary.  No one bothers me there and i put up tiny little cute white christmas lights going around the edge of the room all the way around.  I have a tiny little tv, my gazelle exercise machine and the laundry room. It makes me happy.  Although it does get really cold.

I'm trying to decide my best course of action for the next week.  I have extensive packing and cleaning to do.  And at the same time I need to be searching for a job, finding ways to earn extra money on the side and also find all my documents to sign up for government health insurance and such.  I think my birth certificate and ss card have walked away.  identity theft anyone?

As hard as all of this is, I think it will be for the best... for our money issues and relationship issues.  Maybe we need to be reminded why we even wanted each other in the first place.  It has been 7 years.  Maybe we just aren't compatible now.

Right, well I should get started on the long list of crap i need to get done.  Possibly I should figure out where I'm going to first.  :-/   I prefer not to live in a cardboard box.

Today is my first official UNEMPLOYED day.  I have already searched every site i can think of for a job.  I have gotten into a HUGE arguement over money/lack of income with husband.  I have cried myself sleepy over my situation.  I am at a loss as to what to do.  Only 2 days ago husband was saying how there are no jobs out there and was being so understanding and then today its like someone flipped a damn switch and he does a 180 and completely chews me out for not having something lined up already (not from lack of trying) and because for the past 7 years he thinks my having a "real job" would have made things magically better.  I had real jobs and they fucked us up even more.  He says I dont listen to what he's saying.. I do, I just dont fucking agree and somehow THAT makes me a bad listener and bad wife.

Ugh.

I did manage to get an interview at a daycare.  Its not very close to me and it would mean my daughter has to go to extended day after school.  My pay will suck and I'd need a car or someone to at least drop me off and come get me.  So that is a lot of added expenses.  Plus now I'd have taxes taken out, as well as all the other crap.  We'd get health insurance after I think 3 months but it will cost nearly half my pay check leaving us nearly nothing after paying for child care for my daughter.

Fuck.  Its like whatever I do I somehow am making the wrong choice.  We either get insurance through the state or I work a shit job and we trade my income for insurance.

Its sad but my family would be better off it we were separated.  Maybe we wouldn't scream and verbally abuse each other then.  How entirely screwed up is that?

On a happy note,  daughter started school today.  She rode on the bus my herself and it was nerve wrecking waiting for her to get home cause her bus was late and another bus from another school had dropped off at the same spot 10 mins before hers did.  I started panicking that she was on the wrong bus or something.  Crisis averted.  Breathe!

I've had a long day and i cannot say that being unemployed agrees with me.  I just need support, not someone screaming in my ear saying how fucking useless i am.    *pouts*

I'm struggling a lot right now.  I cant even explain anything. 

The best i can do is use music to express things since I cannot be specific.

"Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do


You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done"

Again, I havent updated recently.  I try not to post if in I'm in a bad mood.  I've been in a bad mood for the past few weeks  :-O      Anyway, I'm still here and still alive.  I do need to find a new job.  My current one ends in about 2 weeks, so im kinda freaking out.   I thought about getting a daycare job to get insurance but i worked out pay and childcare costs for my own kid, taxes, etc.  I'd be making only 50 dollars a week at most.  Granted we'd have insurance, but I can get private insurance and still make 150-200/week  doing what I'm doing.  So I'm not sure what to do.  Husband has now made it clear im a failure for my choices in life and career.  Nothing I do is correct cause im not doing exactly what he tells me to. 

I also need to work on somehow getting a second car before husband and I kill each other over the stupid thing.  I have more luck at winning the lottery than finding someone who will sell me a car.

I'm entertaining the idea of leaving Rappelz.  I'm tired of it.  Theres nothing new to do in the game, i spend far too much time there where i should be cleaning or whatever.  and worst of all, I just keep feeling like im not needed or wanted there.  I get that enough at home, i go in the game to feel better and leave feeling worse than when i got there.  I think thats when its time to take a step back. 

I dont want my life to revolve around a game.  I dont want to miss out on real life experiences just to sit in a game waiting for something to happen. Or waiting for friends to come on.  How extremely pathetic is that?  I am tired of my life meaning nothing.

Ok so I suck at remembering to post lately.  Right now is just overall a really bad time and I guess writing about it here makes it more real that its bad. 

So instead of complaining I am going to make up a poem for you all:

Roses are Red,
Violets are Violet,
I really want chocolate,
perhaps a big pile of it.

Thank you, Thank you... I came up with it myself!   o.0  
 
Its hard to think of a poem when you have music blasting in your ears.

I will update my journal tomorrow.  Infact, I will NOT go in rappelz until I have updated this journal.  Yea, cause I'm THAT serious!!   See this face?    -.-    See?  Serious face   X-D

Moving on, I may go to bed now.  I nearly couldnt get out of bed this morning so I should probably try to get more sleep.  I moved my bedroom to the basement and there are no windows, so the lack of light makes it REALLY hard to believe the clock when it starts screeching at 7am. I take a few swings at it trying to pretend its really like 4am and I still have like 3 hours left to sleep.  Doesnt work though.

Right.  Bed.  Now.  Going....

Wow.  I have completely been neglecting my journal. 

I am in a horrible mood right now (headache/depressed) and will need to post later but wanted to let you all know I'm still here   :-D   I didnt forget about you all.  


I will give a brief explaination of why I havent posted in the past week:  work, sick, new book (finished in 3 days), stress, money, ice cream.  Its like connect the dots.  see if you can solve the puzzle!

All I need to ask is....  WHY?!

I will do a better post tomorrow because im tired.  But I would just like to say that the mom of the kids I nanny texted me today after work to tell me how much her kids love me and about how she is so pleased with me and the things I do with her kids, and how she sees such a difference in them after being with me all day.  Apparently the younger boy fell asleep yet again right after I left.  She said even going to preschool or daycare wouldnt tire him out like i do.  Both kids cant stop talking about what we did all day and where we went and who we saw, etc.  Its fun  to be complimented and be told you mean something to the kids you work with.   I've never had a family be unhappy with me, eventhough not all babysitter/nanny jobs have ended on good terms.  You'd be surprised how many parents try to get out of having to pay.  Currently right now I think I've been screwed out of nearly 1000 dollars total.  Oh well.  I'm happy with the job I have now eventhough not everyday is a joy.   I was actually surprised their mom said that today of all days.  We did pretty much nothing today.  The kids were tired from the weekend and the girl got up at like 5am so she wasnt really in the mood to do anything besides play video games.   Oh well, tomorrow is library day.  My favorite day of the week!  We go and spend like 3 hours just sitting and reading on the big comfy couches and the little kids play with puppets and things while i read outloud the books they pick out.  its awesome!  (I LOVE to read - can you tell?)

Speaking of reading, if im gonna have time to read any of my new book before bed, then i gotta get off this dang pc NOW!

ready, set...    POST THEN POWER OFF!


PS, I ate about half a watermelon today.  I feel so squishy!     o.0

So tday I took my daughter to a kids event at the mall.  They have one every month.  This one was summer safety themed.  It was cool.  She got to decorate a free bug jar, got a free ice cream bowl that is plastic but looks like a wide ice cream cone, she got to learn how to safely approach new dogs and got to pet some they had there, she saw a live karate demonstration and i signed her up for a free trial lesson called lil' dragons (shes so excited), she also got a professional ID done by the local police department.  They took her photo and fingerprinted her and laminated the cards.  It was really cool.    Last month was cooking where she decorated a free apron, got a mini cooking set and got to make a few really easy recipes like mixing cereals and putting them on a necklace, etc.  I love their kids events.  Its the perfect little break she needs.

Then we went to the used book store and I got the first book of the House of Night series.  The first book is called Marked.  Its supposed to be like Twilight meets Harry Potter feel to it.  Since I loved both of those book series I figured I would give this one a try.  I also got a book called Big Lights, Big Ass.   Its a satrical Memoir and it looks pretty good.  If you like David Sedaris or Laurie Narato, then you'd like this.  

After that I came home and played on Rappelz.  I attempted to take a nap but my child insisted on waking me up every 10 minutes to either tell me something, ask me something or just felt like climbing on me.  At one point I awoke to a sharp knee on my spine.  This is why I cant nap on the couch in the day.  I cant go to my room cause husband is upstairs and someone needs to be close to the daughter, otherwise the house will be a wreck and who knows what she will get into.  

After my pathetic nap I went to go feed and let out my sisters dog.  My daughter was so upset her aunt wasnt there.  I guess she didnt understand the whole reason we had to go to take care of the dog....  absence of people who live there.

Then we went tot the grocery store and I suddenly got hit by a wave of depression and felt so sick to my stomach.  I'm not sure why I feel like such crap.  I think I have too much on my mind and its stressing me out.  I just feel like giving up, but then I look around and realize I kind of already have, and that makes me feel worse.  I try to talk myself out of my bad moods and over the years I've found that no matter how I feel on the inside, if you just smile and babble about happy crap then people leave you alone.  I'm so good at faking being happy I dont know how to actually change things to make myself happy... if that makes sense.   The idea that my life is gonna be like this forever scares the crap out of me, because right now - with the exception of my daughter, I hate my life.  

Isnt that a nice end to my post.   well, on the upside I have to go take care of my dads cats tomorrow.  Apparently everyone else is on nice vacations and I'm stuck here.  I havent been on vacation in nearly 8 years.  Being poor sucks.

*goes to look at lolcats*  need a mood booster.

I had a very strange dream last night.  Actually 2 but I dont remember one of them now.  The second one was really weird.  It was all black and white. I was a nurse at Normandy. I have no idea if that was part of ww1 or ww2 or neither.  I just remember someone saying thats where we were.  and husband was one of the "soldiers" as was his boss.  And boss' wife was a nurse with me so we talked alot and we friends there.  I remember at some point I was crying in the dream so boss wife comes and talks to me and I tell her whats bothering me in real life, and she is all sympathetic and then we have to get back to work and one by one my teeth become loose and fall out.  husband, boss, bosses wife and I are just sitting together and i spit out a tooth and it felt so real!!!  I was like WTF?!  and they all were like... oh did you use this kind of medicine on someone today?  and I said yes, and they said  "well thats why, it makes your teeth fall out".   Then suddenly we were all rushing out of the "hospital" that strangely resembled my 7th grade woodshop room as we grabbed patients and taking them somewhere quickly.  Thats when I woke up cause I had to pee.  

The other dream was just as weird but about something completely different.  Obviously not as memorable. 

I desperately want to clean my whole house but am lacking the energy.  Yesterday I was all excited to do it, and then i woke up today and just feel so bleh.  I want to declutter and do a nice deep clean but just looking around makes me so tired.  I just want to rent a dumpster and throw away everything.  No one ever helps me with the house, its all on me and its a huge job.   I want it to be in order so its not such a huge mountain to climb.  We have clutter, we have crap everywhere thats trash.  It usually takes something like making plans for coming back to my house to get me to really clean up. 

Its so damn lonely here.  I want my life back.

I like doing memes.  Can someone teach me how to make a lj cut though?          I got it from alwaysparadox

1. What curse word do you use the most?
I've started saying "OMFG"  but obviously not just the letters.

2. Do you own an iPod?
Yep.  4GB nano  in minty green color.

3. What person on your flist do you talk to the most?
I dont know.  LJ flist I dont really talk to any of the 4 people very much.  I talk to people in Rappelz alot though.  Probably Lluvia the most cause she rocks.

4. What time is your alarm clock set to?
7 am

5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed?
Yes. 

6. Do you remember where you were on 11/9/01?
Yes.  I had just gotten married 2 weeks before, so I was living at home with my new husband and looking for a job.

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
I love taking pics  and am not very photogenic.

8. What was the last movie you watched?
Harry Potter and the half blood prince.  I rented the secret life of bees that I'm about to watch though.

9. Do any of your friends have children?
yes.  I do too  o.0

10. Has anyone ever called you lazy?
yes, and ITS TRUE.

11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep?
No, i need no help falling asleep.  I wish there was something to help me wake up though.

12. What cd is currently in your cd player?
people still use cd's?

13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
chocolate.

14. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
yes

15. When was the last time you had Starbucks?
Several months ago

16. Can you whistle?
yup

17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
dunno. 

18. What are you looking forward to?
for my life to move on.

19. Did you watch cartoons as a child?
tale spin, chipmunks, other stuff i cant remember now.

20. Do you own any band t-shirts?
not anymore.  i got old.

21. What will you be doing in one hour?
cleaning or playing rappelz

22. Is anyone in love with you?
not really. 

23. What was the last song you heard?
my daughter was singing  "rain rain go away" song.  does that count?

24. Last time you cried?
last saturday  (my birthday)

25. Are you on a desktop computer or a laptop?
desktop.  i miss having a laptop.

I had the day off! The kids mom was sick so i got to sleep in and havea nice relaxing day.  well, as relaxing as possible.  Played with my daughter, fixed my kitchen sink, went and took care of my sisters dog while she is away, got subway sandwiches and dairy queen ice cream for dinner.   all in all a pretty decent day.  Although right now im so tired I cant keep my eyes open.  So im off to bed.

wow this is short.  :D

Sandboxes, Super Soaker 50, 100 and 200,  late 90's music, junk food

I forgot to post last night.  Actually, I didnt forget.. I was so tired I looked at the computer and just kept walking straight into my bed.

The last couple days have been generally bad.  Yesterday wasnt so bad but it just was such a long day.  I was tired before I even got to work, the kids annoyed me which doesnt usually happen, their mom was about 45 minutes late coming home and my husband had to wait for me in the car for about 30 of those 45 minutes.  And then I was gonna meet a guy from craigslist who was gonna buy my PSP...  well he never showed up.  THe restaurant where I was meeting him where I was planning to get my daughter and I a little food was closed due to a plumbing problem.  So I was then 115 dollars down, had no food since lunch, my daughter was getting frustrated, we wasted about an hour for no reason and drove halfway into town to meet this guy.  So THEN, the night was atleast semi-redeemed by the fact that I bought Arby's for dinner and we got blizzards on the way home.  Banana cream pie blizzard FTW!  I was in bed by like 10.


Today... Woke up 10 minutes before we had to leave for work.  Husband didnt feel good so it took me about 15 mins to get him out of bed, he took about 20 mins getting ready.  Yes.  I was 25 mins late for work which meant the kids dad was 25 mins late since he had to wait for me to arrive.  He was not happy.  Then at the kids house the annoying neighbor kids were there and basically invited themselves in.  They are good kids but have no manners.  As a kid I would never do half the stuff they do.  So after lunch I took the kids hiking.  Great idea except that husband needed to be picked up from work at 3:30. Takes 30 mins to get there from the park.  We got there at 2.  At 3 I looked at my clock and we were as far from the car as you can be on these trails.  So I made two 5 year olds and a 8 year old basically run the entire length of the trails to the car.  The little kids fell asleep in the car.  We got there on time, etc.  It sucked though.  So then I  was gonna go buy candy for the movies tomorrow,  I'm going to the opening of Harry Potter.  But realized my back tire is too low to safely go to the store and I dont know how to put air in correctly.  Last time I let more air out than I put in.  So i drive home carefully and will let husband do it.   So right now I'm candyless and need it before I am done with work tomorrow, as I'm getting dropped off.   Our kitchen sink just broke.  well, got seriously clogged.  Our garbage disposal must be useless.  I dont see the point in it anymore.  This happened last year too.  Sinks fine, turn on the disposal... instant clog.  UGH!

I dunno.  I'm conciously trying to be in a better mood and find the postive in things, and in real life I am a fun happy person and do well with not freaking out about things.  But when I write stuff down, all I see is negative.  I love kids, I love animals, I love alot of things... i just come off as a really unhappy person here.  Its kinda scary.  Although I know I'm getting badly depressed again.  I was driving the other day and started thinking about how easy it would be to be killed it i turned a little too far into the other lane and how only my daughter would even care.  At some point I basically had myself in tears which brought on a lovely panic attack, which made me feel sick and sleepy.  So i then became more depressed because I was so tired.  Its a frustrating cycle to break because you have to conciously break it.

Alright, enough.  I'm off to clean things.  or take a nap.  hmmm.

So something i forgot to post in my original birthday post was that I turned 29... and at lunch both my mom and sister spotted my first grey hair.  OMFG!  Talk about being kicked when already down.  It was like an extra reminder that I'm getting old.  Needless to say I ripped that sucker off my head.  I'm sure now more will come back in rebellion of the attack i placed but it was for my own sanity.  Its weird though, everyone i know that has a few random grey hairs, they are in the front.  Mine was in the very center of the top of my head.  Right where it sticks up for everoyne to see.  Luckily I have alot of flyaway hairs and blonde highlights, so it really wasnt noticable.

I have a question for anyone who will answer.   When you want to do something but too scared to do it, do you ever yell in your head?  Example:  Say someone does something to piss you off and you are either too polite or too wimpy to actually say anything, do you ever find yourself screaming in your head "YOU MORON, I HATE YOU!  WHAT THE HELL?! "  but then on the outside just are smiling and semi-conscious to whats going on and the actual conversation?  I seem to be doing that ALOT lately.  or I yell at myself in my head to just do something or say something.  Its really annoying and frustrating.  People keep asking if I'm ok, or whats wrong because im not talking much or seem preoccupied.  I always say I'm fine but then in my head yell "NO! HOW THE HELL WOULD I BE OK?"    Does this mean I'm going crazy or does everyone do this?   I know everyone has an inner voice but i thought it was supposed to be quiet and agree with you  :-D   

Also, does anyone have any good links to good memes?  I suck at introductions that explain more about me, but i'm better at answering questions.  Just please none that ask things like "who do you have a crush on"  or  other things that are very freshman year of high school.  Is there such a thing as a sophisticated meme?   And if anyone has any questions for me about who i am or etc feel free to ask.  I will answer what I can but as this is a pubic bloggy thing, I am a bit guarded as to what i can write.  Future employers have the internet too .  o.0

I am going to see the new Harry Potter movie on opening night with my bestest friend  :-)  I'm excited.  I just need to find a babysitter since my sister will be out of town.  She could stay home with her dad but I dont think he'd be so excited about that idea.

Oh!  and I found a buyer for our other Sony PSP.  I go meet the guy tomorrow after work.  I'm happy cause I am so worried about money.  I dont understand why we insist on living in a place we cant afford when we could reduce our stress by a million by just moving to a less expensive place.  Whatever.  Who am I to question a damn thing with our finances since i make less.  *growls*